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  • Friday joke - get a nappy

    Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased

    his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

    my interest.

    The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little

    something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a

    100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

    The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no

    long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time

    to retreat to safety....??



    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.



    I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

    Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the

    button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get

    the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.



    AWESOME!!!



    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on

    the face of her microwave.



    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

    couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?



    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting

    little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking that I

    really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.



    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a

    second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if

    I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a

    mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I

    wrong?



    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

    glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one

    hand, and tazer in another.



    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient

    your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms

    and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would

    purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of

    water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the

    batteries.



    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"

    long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy

    AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible

    way!'



    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...







    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

    side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second

    burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I

    decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched

    the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...



    HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!



    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in

    the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and

    over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,

    with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles

    nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

    position, and tingling in my legs!



    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to

    a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to

    avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.



    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one

    note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you

    zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged

    from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second

    burst would be considered conservative!



    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at

    that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and

    surveyed the landscape.



    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The

    recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally

    was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My

    face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip

    weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.



    Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for

    sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my

    head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my

    testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!



    P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift

    and now regularly threatens me with it!



    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!



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  • #2

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    • #3
      OMG I can't stop laughing

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      • #4
        Every now and then a post or thread pops up that actually makes me weep with laughter and that was one of them! ******* hillarious!!
        Kentec inside

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        • #5
          it reads like you did it yourself lmao
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          V8, not for everyone but 10/10 for your effort.

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          • #6
            I'm crying lol
            sigpic

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            • #7
              Nice
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              black 17" TD1.2's , 2.5" cobra stainless turbo back system with sports cat , courtney performance filter ,astra vxr rarb,led 501's & mtec's , heko wind deflectors x4 ,Cross hatch grille, alloy pedals and 225.6 BHP
              1 OF ONLY 99 ARDEN BLUE MERIVA VXR'S IN THE UK......and this one's all mine !!!
              1/4 mile in 14.642 @ 95.40 mph at Shakespeare sprint night

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              • #8
                That was a cracking joke.Can't stop laughing.

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                • #9
                  ive got tears coming down my face and so has the mr's that is 1 of the funniest jokes ive ever read
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                  stealth no more but beware of the silver lightning GSI with vxr power
                  M.U.F.C.
                  http://www.courtenaysport.co.uk/

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                  • #10
                    I laughed so much it made me cry
                    Power Red Zaffy with 19's now gone and replaced with Insignia 2.0 CDTI Sri Nav

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Bigh View Post
                      I laughed so much it made me cry
                      i was trying to remember it in bed last night lol
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                      stealth no more but beware of the silver lightning GSI with vxr power
                      M.U.F.C.
                      http://www.courtenaysport.co.uk/

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                      • #12
                        That was funny as f*l<
                        PIPER X CONE FILTER - RED COURT HOSES - - POWDER COATED ALLOYS - TINTED REPEATERS - DECAT PIPE - CUSTOM INDICATOR SURROUNDS + GLOSS BLACK BITS

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                        • #13
                          I'm crying!

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                          • #14
                            briliant, briliant.... my cheeks hurt from laughing so much..... any more..
                            JAMAICA
                            VXR

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                            • #15
                              Paddy Joke

                              Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
                              Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
                              'Shoite',
                              'Shoite !'

                              He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

                              'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin ' focked ,' he says.

                              He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ' Fock it ' and falls into bed.

                              The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

                              Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' ******. But how'd you know?'





                              'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.



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